Nathan Sheets

Mike and I have talked a little bit about intelligent design, creationism, evolution, etc., and before I don't think I really allowed myself to understand what he was trying to convey. What Mike was trying to say, and what I think I understand now, is that Intelligent Design really exists to disprove evolution more than to prove ID. And Mike even believes in God.

I saw a Penn and Teller show today that talked about creationism, and a lot of it really made sense, though I also struggled with certain aspects. After watching it, though, I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that Intelligent Design is not a good scientific theory because it cannot be proved. It proves nothing; it only tries to disprove evolution.

One of the scientists on the show said something that really stuck with me. From a fundamentalist Christian standpoint, you have to take the Bible literally, and if only one thing is wrong, the whole can be discounted. And if the Bible can be wrong, then the Christians' view of God disintegrates. This is why the Christians fight so much for literal six-day creation.

But then the Christians try to bring that reasoning over to evolution: that is, if they can pull out one thing in the theory of evolution that doesn't make sense, they can disprove all of it. But that's not how science works. Maybe that's how the Bible works, but not science. The very fact that a theory changes helps prove that it is science. You can't really do that with the Bible.

There are some, of course, who believe in the Christian God but not in the six-day creation. I guess that's a possibility too. At this point, I guess I still just don't know. If God created the earth in six days, why did he leave behind evidence that points to something else entirely? It's not like the scientific evidence that says how old the earth is is just a few years off from the Bible. It's hundreds of millions--billions--of years off from the Bible. What kind of a God would hold people who are scientifically looking for answers accountable to believing in something that He Himself has erased and left "false" evidence for? It doesn't make sense.

Tonight I talked to a friend from Teh Netz. She was kind enough to send me a letter that she sent to Number One a while after she left the group. She wrote a really good letter. She said things that I won't quote here due to her privacy, but they caused me to want to write a bit more for, if nothing else, therepuetic purposes.

I am starting to realize how tramatized I am, emotional and perhaps even a little psychologically due to the Net Gathering and leaving Christianity. Let's actually start with the latter.

I will admit frankly that being a Christian has a lot of emotional benefits. When you believe (or refuse to look at your disbelief), life can be a bit more blissful and full of hope than when, like me, you're questioning whether God exists and, if He does, if he loves you at all. With a basic set of rules and values--and a God who will hold you accountable to them, no less--it takes a burden off of you.

But now, I have to figure out what my values are, and, because now I'm in contact with a lot more non-Christians, I can see the effect of not having a value system in place. I look at my roommate, my co-workers and my friends and I see how we have to figure this stuff out on our own. Because this is different for me, it's taking a toll.

The Net, and the view of God it has instilled, has had a more tangible effect, I think. All of the things that I was supposed to be learning under the Net (respect for authority, submission, purity) have now gone out the window and I find myself being repulsed by clergymen, not wanting to respect fatherly authoirty and, of course, wanting to fag it up. And yet I constantly am afraid of going to hell. A part of me really wants Christianity to be true: I want to go back to living a holy lifestyle for Jesus. But then, I realize, what are the chances of any sliver of American Christianity being anywhere near "the truth" that we humans can understand? Why are we more priviledged than the Chinese or Nigerians to be born into the "correct" religion? Not to mention the fact that Christianity is 2,000 years-old and has changed dramatically to fit an American lifestyle. And yet, I still want Jesus to rescue me and to love me and to comfort me and to let me have "everlasting life".

I realize that if Jesus exists (as we know Him here in America) then I am going to Hell. And yet if he does not then I am wasting my life ignoring my sexuality and living for a God who doesn't exist. I just don't know what is what.

But the more I look at the evidence, the more I am coming to the conclusion that Christanity, the way we know it, is not true.

Does it mean anything about me (emotionally, psychologically, etc.) that now weather has been having a very dramatic effect on my mood? Oregon is going through some rather unusual days where we get both sun and storms, and whenever it rains, I instantly get depressed. When the sun is out I cheer up almost right away. I hate responding like this, but I can't seem to help it, and I don't think I was like this before. Perhaps the Christianity remedied random bouts of depression for me. I don't know.

I've been texting Maddie a lot lately. She amuses me. I need more amusing friends, methinks. Also, tomorrow night I am hanging out with Kyle. I know not what we will do yet, but I do know that afterward Robert and I are going to go see some live classical music fer free.

I totally started writing this journal entry for a reason, but now I can't think of the main topic. Damn.

Oh yes, Wicked. I saw it last night, and it was pretty good. The scenery was excellent and the costumes were even better. Glinda was an understudy, and struggled with the score at certain parts, especially toward the end; her voice seemed to lose it, and it's a very, very shrill role. One the last song she almost made Elphiba get off key as well. And speaking of, the actress who did the Wicked Witch of the West did an excellent job, vocally. It was a pleasure to listen to her.

The stroyline was very intriguing, but I'm not floored by it. Honestly, I'm much more impressed by the complicated lyrics (which contain so much depth) of Stephen Sondheim, even though mortals generally hate them. Anyone who hates Into the Woods needs to go and never come back. Yes, that includes you. You disgust me, oh hater of Into the Woods. Go f*** yourself.

Ahem.