Nathan Sheets ([info]natewillsheets) wrote,
@ 2008-06-30 14:23:00
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Avenue Q...............ueer!
Yesterday I went and saw Avenue Q. It was extremely raunchy, but it spoke of many truths to life. One of the things I think it effectively speaks to is how life is never how we think it will be. We watched Sesame Street as little kids, but it didn't show "real life" very often.

One of the characters was a closeted gay, and I felt like I could relate to him. Then I felt like an ass for relating to a puppet.

Last night was a spiritually hard night for me.

After I went to bed, I had a dream. Man, dreams can really affect you. You can meet someone in a dream, and then when the dream's over, you wish that you could go back to dreaming just to spend more time with them. I met a guy who I really liked (I don't think he resembles anyone I've actually met) and in the dream we hung out and I really liked him. At first, I thought he was weird, but then he grew on me.

And now I'm awake, feeling as if I lost a chance at something, which of course I haven't.

There are some days I long for male companionship, and other days when I long for male. What is wrong with me? My desire to have a wife has not left me, even though I have embraced homosexuality. It's quite upsetting. But how could I possibly have a wife when I am also attracted to men?

Damn.

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[info]thepresident
2008-06-30 10:45 pm UTC (link)
There's nothing wrong with that. One of my best friends identifies as a lesbian but says that she wouldn't oppose being swept off her feet by a man. It's just that the right man hasn't come along yet. :-)

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-06-30 10:46 pm UTC (link)
You should introduce us. Frankly, I've always felt drawn to lesbians, and it's my dream to convert one. ;)

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[info]likeinabook
2008-06-30 11:08 pm UTC (link)
If you did get serious with a woman, it would probably be best for both of you if it was a woman with the same struggles as you. Because that way you would be equally yoked in the bedroom department and wouldn't have as much of a problem with one person having a more hyper sexual interest and then feeling insulted when it wasn't reciprocated.

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-06-30 11:09 pm UTC (link)
LOL! Well, I would hope that wouldn't be a problem, but I suppose that's the whole problem!

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[info]likeinabook
2008-06-30 11:32 pm UTC (link)
I have enjoyed reading some of your back posts particularly those that involve homosexuality. I suspect that one of my children could be gay and so I feel particularly invested in the subject. I want to be comfortable talking about it, so if my suspicions prove correct in a few years then my son can talk to me about it and I will have come to terms with the possibility and won't act all shocked and horrified.

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 12:06 am UTC (link)
Aren't your kids little?

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[info]likeinabook
2008-07-01 12:10 am UTC (link)
oldest is 6.

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 12:13 am UTC (link)
Well, that's damned early to be gay. Is the father actively involved?

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[info]likeinabook
2008-07-01 12:16 am UTC (link)
His dad travels a lot. The kid is either gay or the emotional artist personality type. Maybe both. Hard to tell this early. It may be just that he seems really feminine in contrast to his alpha male brother. I have not assumed anything yet, just giving the possibility some thought.

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[info]thepresident
2008-07-01 03:15 am UTC (link)
have you considered the possibility that femininity and personality have nothing to do with sexual orientation?

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[info]likeinabook
2008-07-01 03:25 am UTC (link)
I have considered a lot of possibilities.

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[info]thepresident
2008-07-01 03:15 am UTC (link)
Why is it early?

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 03:35 am UTC (link)
Because I don't think people are born that way: I think it's developed.

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[info]thepresident
2008-07-01 06:07 am UTC (link)
Well no wonder you hate yourself all the time..

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 06:10 am UTC (link)
Um, OK.

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[info]likeinabook
2008-07-01 06:09 pm UTC (link)
he doesn't seem to me like someone who hates himself. he seems to me like someone who wants to be his authentic self, which may or may not be ex-christian gay male, or christian ex-gay, or any of the other labels he has tried on.

You can't know who you really are unless you are willing to be really self-aware and honest. A really self-loathing person wouldn't be willing to experience that level of self-examination.

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[info]likeinabook
2008-07-01 06:06 pm UTC (link)
What is your theory as to how it is developed?

The last credible theory I heard involved concentrations of hormones in the womb.

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[info]thepresident
2008-07-01 12:08 am UTC (link)
She's old enough to be your mother.

What's wrong with identifying as bi, anyway, if you are also interested in women?

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 12:09 am UTC (link)
LOL, well the labels don't really fit me. I think "gay" is the closest.

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(Anonymous)
2008-07-01 11:54 am UTC (link)
Are you very attracted to women? What is it that appeals to you about having a wife?I used to have this friend that loved gay guys they would do each other's hair and go shopping together. She would fall in love and be heart broken every time they found a boyfriend. You could find a girl like this but then again you don't seem like that type of gay guy to me. So if you don't think people are born gay what do you think causes it? Too much porn?

Janis

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 09:10 pm UTC (link)
Haha, no I'm not a "shopping" type of gay guy:)

I think that, like any kind of sexual preference, homosexuality is psychologically developed due to circumstances and events in one's life. So no, I don't think that people are born that way.

I am very attracted to women, yes, though not generally sexually. Though I've never tried having sex with a woman, so I guess I'll never know ;)

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[info]likeinabook
2008-07-01 09:41 pm UTC (link)
It makes me wonder ... do you fear the woman not enjoying it and feeling degraded afterwards?

Because the fact that you have never tried to have sex with a woman suggests that you respect them too much to just try it and see.

Or is the pregnancy factor, and the fact that you are so pro-life maybe kill the mood too?

Just questions, I don't expect an answer.

I use to struggle with what I call a lack of heterosexuality...I won't call it homosexuality because it didn't really manifest that way very often. I discovered for myself that it was just a fear of being degraded and since that discovery I have not had as much of a problem.

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(Anonymous)
2008-07-01 10:34 pm UTC (link)
So what happened to you that made you gay?

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-01 10:39 pm UTC (link)
I'm attracted to guys more than girls:)

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(Anonymous)
2008-07-01 10:59 pm UTC (link)
Yes, but why? What happened to you, since you seem to be of the mind that some formative experience shaped your gender proclivity?

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-04 12:16 am UTC (link)
Well, that's a long story, and I don't really know all of the answers. :)

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(Anonymous)
2008-07-10 07:47 am UTC (link)
So maybe you were born that way.

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-10 08:14 am UTC (link)
Problem solved!

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[info]garnetlion
2008-07-03 11:16 pm UTC (link)
You know, there may be some sort of unconventional arrangement that might work for you and the right woman, like an open marriage where you and your wife don't have other partners of the opposite sex, but occasionally (or frequently) go have trysts with partners of the same sex. How much you share with each other about these trysts could probably be negotiated ("I'm going out with the guys, see you later." or "I'm going to go fuck Larry silly, don't wait up."). You and your wife could have kids and do all the things that heterosexual couples do and also get your hot gay sex in.

Michael and I were in an open relationship until about 6 months ago, and I for one was very happy. He got nervous about STDs, so the relationship has since been closed, but I know a lot of people who live happily in open relationships. You and your wife (or love interest(s)) could work out the details, but if you advertise from the get go that you are looking for something unconventional, you'll probably have better luck than if you surprise her with it.

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[info]natewillsheets
2008-07-04 12:17 am UTC (link)
Honestly, the idea of an open marriage is something that I find quite sickening. I guess that's just how my views of marriage are. It's probably hypocritical in that I don't think it's bad to have open "relationships" as opposed to marriage, but I guess I feel that if one chooses to get married that's kind of saying, "OK, we're out of 'relationship' stage, let's get serious and settle down." But that's just me.

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[info]garnetlion
2008-07-04 12:24 am UTC (link)
That makes sense. I personally I don't see why one can't be settled down with one person, in terms of setting up a home, reproducing, making major life decisions together and generally being partnered, while still having casual flings with other people. The trick, I believe, is to keep things casual, because it seems like people are socialized to conceptualize romantic relationships as wanting to go from casual to serious, and I think it can be hard for some people to resist that and keep it on an even, casual level.

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