Nathan Sheets

Today I was "assaulted" by a client for the first time. It actually impacted me more than I thought it would, probably because he is one of my favorite clients. Sometimes I get really sick of working on the DD side, but honestly it's going to give me a lot of good experience because, as a teacher, I'm simply GOING to have DD kids. There is no escaping it. If I want normal kids, 100% of the time, then I would have to find a job at some kind of special school, which I don't want to do.

I managed to deflect him, which was surprising considering I was not expecting it. After it happened though I was a mixture of pissed/sad/anger. I even canceled my afternoon visit because I didn't feel like I would be good to be around. I was not in a good space.

So now I'm expected to keep moving on, which I can do, of course, because this kid doesn't learn from consequences. That's hard for me, as an adult who learns from consequences, to accept. Certain kids just don't get it, no matter what. Hopefully we can get through to this kid before he assaults a stranger on the streets. :\

I cracked up at this. Dedicated to Mike.

Some of you who know me IRL probably know that there are a few phrases that I simply cannot say. This is not because I'm offended by these terms, or for some deep reasoning. No, it's simply because I hate them. They are everyday phrases which are used by most sane people.

One of these phrases is, "Good morning". For some reason, I can't stand saying it. Every day in the office I hear, "Good morning!" "Good morning!" "Good morning!" Perhaps it's because I'm not a morning person, or perhaps I feel as if such a term makes me feel like I'm from the South and I'm awaking at 5pm on my farm to get ready to order the slaves to the fields--whatever it is, I refuse to say it.

I'm also annoyed when people say something such as "How's it going?" when what they really mean to say is "Hello". Generally, I don't give a shit enough about a total stranger (or hell, even a co-worker) to ask them how they are doing. I generally feel as if it's none of my business--especially when it comes to people whom I don't know very well. So when someone asks me how I'm doing in such a casual way, it annoys me. So my conversations often go like this:

"Hey Nate! How's it going?"
"Hey there."

People don't even know that I didn't answer their question because they didn't mean it. Maybe I'm anal, or maybe everyone else is just shallow.

This was all to say that the other day I ran into Safeway when I was running late for a morning meeting. I just wanted a Rockstar so I could manage to get through my morning--tea wasn't going to cut it. I run in, and the lady who pushes carts has the following exchange with me:

"Hi! How's it going?"
"Hey there. I'm good." *starts to walk to the cashier*

See what I did there? I answered her question. I went against everything I stand for (other than being pro-life and against drunk driving) and answered her question. I didn't ask her how she was doing, because I didn't care: I was there to get a Rockstar not have a conversation with some peasant at Safeway.

She then replied, "I'm not..." and then launched into a LITERALLY 4-minute exegesis about how her sister-in-law made some food that made her sick the night before. I didn't know what to do. I felt bad to intrrupt her tale of woe, but I was also late for a meeting. She also talked in a way that did not allow one to interject at all. So I finally gave the biggest apologetic look I could and simply walked away, while she was in mid-sentence. I felt like a douche.

And this, friends, is why you should be anal like me and refuse to say things that irk you.

The other day Kelly called me and we talked for two hours. It was the first time she and I have really talked since I left the Net Gathering around a year and a half ago. She no longer attends and is now living in Eastern Oregon.

She thanked me for writing me Net Gathering entries because they help remind her that, yes, it was really bad. After a while one thinks that perhaps it was not such a big deal, but then when you sit down and remember everything that happened, you realize that, yes, it was bad. This is true for me as well.

One of the problems with talking to ex-Netters for the first time is that it brings up a lot of stuff that I'm trying to get over. This isn't a bad thing, but it has made me think a lot about the Net these past two days. That's not really something I like having forefront in my thoughts, but it's cool too because I also realize that I am a lot more strong than I used to be.

I find it interesting how most of the people who have left the Net are still really religious. They believe in God and that He somehow gives a rat's ass about us humans individually, but that He was not leading the Net the way we all thought He was. I, on the other hand, question the very existence of God and, if I give that "He" is around, how much he really cares about us. Bah.

I also went on a date last night. It went OK, but for some reason I felt very insecure and awkward. I even told the dude that I'm not generally shy. I think it's because I haven't dated for a long time. I think.

I’ve been watching The Black Adder. How I love it. Rowen Atkinson is so wonderful. I want to be him. Yes, yes—“Like Mr. Bean?” your pathetically uncultured American brain asks itself. “Nate wants to be like Mr. Bean?” No, damn you! I want to be like “The Black Adder”. I find superioristic humor to be wonderfully hilarious, though I do not have the wit to pull it off spontaneously. Even if I could most people would think I was serious and thus think me a horrible person. Shame.

Anyway, I’ve opened myself up for dating again. I am not placing my hopes too high, as I feel I have pretty high standards to any potential partners in life. I am not into being promiscuous either, which I suppose is a good thing. So, I guess, nothing will really change for a while until I meet a guy who isn’t bothered by my humor nor I bothered by his imperfections, whatever they may be.

Stalker Boy seems to be done. I had Robert text him. I don’t know if that was immature of me, but that whole thing taught me something: let people off nicely. I just felt so bad, because I’m apparently a sensitive gentleman. Why can’t ignoring someone be good enough for some people? Surely enough guys have ignored me, and I took the hint. Though, perhaps, toward the beginning it was harder to do. Ugh! Damn our methods of communication outnumbering our fingers!

I am up at 3:40am. I know not why, nor do I feel the desire to sleep.

I don't know if anyone watches Hell's Kitchen, but my favorite went from Kevin (based solely on the fact that he's good looking) to Tenille. Yes, Ms. Be-As-Stereotypically-Black-and-Female-As-I-Can. Even though she feels the need to scream every sentence that comes out of her lips, she totally did the right thing when under pressure last episode--she chose to eliminate the person who was weakest, rather than strategically wrong.

She also seemed very stupid since the beginning, but she has improved so much and has been getting Ramsey's attention. She is an underdog, that's for sure. If it comes down to her and Kevin, I will be torn.

Also, Glee is really dumb. Seriously, one or two more weeks of this shit and I'm done watching it. The pilot was so good, but it's just gone downhill. It's so obvious that the actors are lip-syncing, it drives me nuts. It's like they just throw the shows together and hope that good picture quality will make up for it. And I really hope the teenage pregnancy story "goes away" (lol, that sounds pro-choice!) because I find it absolutely boring and will be enraged if it is stretched out until the end of the season or beyond. Of course, at this rate, there isn't going to be a "beyond".

Would it be a bad idea for me to make an obnoxiously large sign and bring it to the Roe vs. Wade rally that says the following:

"It doesn't take
Christianity
or
Heterosexuality
to be Pro-Life"?

I don't want to necessarily make my going to the rally all about me, but I think that it could start some good conversations about how the movement can make a lot of people feel uncomfortable, which is really a shame because I know that most pro-lifers are eager for secular pro-lifers to join. But then all of the rallies are riddled with prayers and religious people speaking and invoking religion one way or another. On one hand, it makes sense considering religious people are about 99% of the movement, but on the other hand it could be the lack of inclusion that ends up us having virtually no non-Christian pro-lifers or, at the very least, non-Christian pro-lifers who want to take part in with the rest of the movement.

If you saw this sign, would you view it as disrespectful?

I am kind of just living life right now. I go to work, come home, watch some TV, go to bed, and awaken 20 minutes before I go to work. I don't really spend time thinking about myself anymore, which I guess could be a good thing since I tend to over-analyze everything.

I am feeling kind of lonely on the romance part. I don't know what kind of relationship I want though: one where I am taken care or? Or one where I am equal with my partner? I feel as if with Robert we were on such different planes that our relationship did not cover either of those.

I am trying to feel OK about myself, but it's hard. I feel as if I am such a fag at times, and that irritates me. I don't like fags. I hate it when some gay guy comes into my circle of friends and everyone expects me to latch on to him because we share that one thing in common. That really irritates me, because I take it personally. If I view the guy as a fag, I feel as if they view me as a fag for wanting me to go and talk to him.

And this is probably a shitty, superior attitude to have anyway. One the one hand, even if a dude is a queen it doesn't ipso facto make them annoying and unfriendable. And on the other hand I'm not exactly a macho man. And that really upsets me.

I want to be masculine, and I feel as if I'm not because the masculine gays simply aren't interested in me. It makes me sad because that is what I want.

Anyway, tonight we had a Christmas party for my friend who is moving to Africa and will not be here at Christmas time. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad that I'm a lot more social now than I was with Robert.

I've not really thought of the Net Gathering lately, which I guess could be considered a good thing. I no longer miss the people there or their company. I no longer really hold much concern for them, because at this point, I guess, I view the fact that it is (or was?) full of shit to be so obvious that anyone still there who was part of the original group is beyond help.

My point is, I feel like I've moved beyond it. I re-read all of my Net Gathering posts and I cringe--not only at my grammatical errors but also the content. It's like I've left a bad relationship--after I left I felt a part of me was missing, and now that I've been away I can see more for what it really is.

So I guess I'm "healed", or whatever, in regards to the Net. I still think what I learned there has had a deep effect upon who I am and how I view the world, God, psychology, etc., so in that way I guess I am not healed. I don't know how I would react seeing Boulos or Derek walking down the street. Because I am not generally one for confrontations, I'd probability walk the other way. But you never know.

As silly as it may seem, leaving the Net gave me a sense of purpose which I no longer have and that I yet crave. After leaving, my purpose was to get it all out of my head--to take a step back and see the world in a different way, not clouded by my own religious views. And now that I've done that, I am no longer Nate-the-former-cult-gay-guy. Now I feel as if I am simply myself. It's not always a good feeling. It's nice to be known as something, even if only to one's self. When even negative labels are removed and forgotten, it gives one pause to ask themselves, "What the hell am I doing here?"

Also, at five o'clock in the morning, I awoke to a huge crash at the base of the stairs and the sounds of a woman screaming bloody-murder about 4 times. Then it was silent. In my deleriousness, I put together that one of the roomies had come home drunk and slammed the door.

Come to find out this morning that it was actually one room mate tripping on the stairs, and the other (crazy, going-to-move-out-on-Saturday) roommate (MALE) screaming. He asked me when I woke up if I was awaken, and I said yes, and he explained that he didn't know why he reacted that way, and that he didn't know that he could scream like a girl in such a way.

Now I kind of am mad at myself that I didn't get up to investigate, but rather made conclusions that everything was OK based on my own personal comfort. I mean, what if one of the girls was being attacked by some trick they had brought home? I just stayed in bed like a faggot and went back to sleep.

I did ask the room mate if he wanted someone to come and talk to him if it happened again, and he said no, so I guess that does something.

I am completely bored, so I figured that I would journal. IKR?

There was a time, I remember, when I was told that if you are ever bored, you should be praying. Now when I look back on that whole pathetic time in my life, I feel even stupider. But I guess one lives and learns.

I've noticed that I'm becoming a lot like my mother in a lot of ways. This has led me to ask myself, "Does this mean that I will not have a capacity for embarrassment?" as I cannot think of a time in recent memory (or any memory) that my mother was embarrassed.

I am enthralled with Derren Brown right now. I want to meet him and ask him many questions. He is a former evangelical, a gay and a master of psychological manipulation. For example, he totally implanted a false memory into a guy in about 45 seconds and even explained to him that that was what he was doing. And then BAM the guy had the false memory and couldn't be convinced of what reality was--to him, that was NOT a false memory.

Of the few things Derren does that I am smart enough to figure out, I still draw out a lot of parallel to a lot of religion. What people view as them meeting with God are merely psychological and explainable events. I can see that now that I'm out of religion. There were some inexplicable moments--about which I still wonder--but overall it's us trying so hard to know God that we allow ourselves to become vulnerable---a trait that is considered a quality among many Christians--and to take something divine out of something that is not divine.

Derren Brown doesn't say all of this directly, no. But I can draw it out of his shows anyway. I can see how he gets a group of people, picks out the "weakest" (or "most vulnerable"), has them do a task that they will insist to themselves and everyone else around them who was not picked that something supernatural happens. And Derren sits back and relaxes while they get themselves in a whirlwind.



Oooo! You can find that clip HERE. Watch it--very cool.

I went shooting for the first time yesterday. It was fun. Yes, I realize that my arms are locked and I'm leaning backward. I did better the second time.

Another friend's post about their changed political beliefs prompted me to clarify/discuss a similar transformation in my own political views. Like this friend, I've moved considerably more toward the center, yet still think of myself as a conservative Republican.

I guess what I've noticed a lot more is the polarizing wings, the anger, and the pointlessness of politics in America. No, I don't feel a need to "change it". I'm much more concerned with getting my bills paid on time and watching television. So now that I've not been listening to the constant stream of political discourse, or to talk radio, I've been able to take a step back and see things differently.

One issue that I've changed on is immigration reform. Before I was against amnesty, because of the principle that people should be entering the country legally. I still believe this, of course, but I think a compromise has to be made with the people already here in order for us to make any progress on the issue. Conservatives didn't compromise, really, and look: nothing has really changed. We have some expensive fence covering part of the border. I'm all for a fence, still, but we can't deport all of the illegals. I think we need to start a process of amnesty that will include a background check, a fee and a work visa.

Another issue that I've considered is healthcare reform. While I don't like Obama's plan, shouldn't something be done to help the uninsured? I'm not talking about homeless people--I'm talking about people like me (until a month ago). My insurance happened to kick in right before I became ill, and I owe a total of $150. If I hadn't had insurance, all of my tests would have been charged to me, about $500 altogether. There are a lot of people like me, too. Healthcare is too damn expensive and if employers are not required to provide an option, what are people supposed to do? It's easy for people with insurance to oppose progress on this front--and that's not typical an argument I use. But seriously--getting sick without insurance will make you sick with worry. What about your kids?

I'm also a lot quieter on the abortion issue, though I really don't want to be. I'm still against killing fetuses, and still become emotional at times when I think of the lives that we destroy without a second thought, but at the same time I acknowledge that it's not exactly easy to view the pro-life movement seriously. It's sad, because Christian pro-lifers are typically excited when they meet a non-Christian pro-lifer, but then they fill their events with religious aspects to the extreme. In between prayers and scripture readings, what's a homo-lifer supposed to do? I feel like a douche pointing out how retarded the pro-choice movement is when the pro-life movement isn't much better, at least on the outside.

I was thinking about things that I'm passionate about today, and I came to the sad conclusion that I am not passionate about anything in my life. Not a single damn thing. It'd almost stir me to action except that I'm too passionless to care.

Maybe I don't need to be passionate about something all of the time. Maybe it's OK for me to just be in my 20s and work and get out of debt and live my life without being passionate. Still, I have to wonder: would seeing some kind of human condition or suffering cause me to be passionate about it? If so, why must I wait to see it? Can't the knowledge of it happening be enough?

Maybe I'm just going through a phase or a bout of depression or something like that. Maybe I am passionate but I just don't realize it at the moment due to the circumstances of my life or the stress or the clouds in the sky.

What are you passionate about?

The other day Dalton, Khirsten and I went to Claim Jumper (a restaurant for all of you who don't know), and we saw a lady exiting her booth with a dog on a leash. Like, a black lab puppy.

I've noted America's Europeanization when it comes to the acceptance of dogs in public places. But I--and I'm a dog lover!--must object to dogs being allowed in restaurants.

I even mentioned it to the waitress. I said, "I'm really not trying to be rude, but is it common for you guys to allow dogs in here?" I mean, I'm white trash and all, but I'm pretty sure Claim Jumper is considered a nicer place. The waitress apologized and said that she didn't notice. But if there was a hostess standing where she was supposed to be standing, someone should have.

When I worked at Fred Meyer (a grocery store for the know-nothings), where we had a no-dog policy, I would always tell the women (yes, they are always women) who thought that THEY were the exception that I could not ring them up because I am allergic to dogs. (A fact that is actually true, though obviously I'm not allergic enough to not be able to help someone.)

I think that all service animals need to have permits that the person should present when entering establishments. No, your dachshund is NOT a service animal, lady. Being lonely and needing a dog to keep you company is not a disability.

I wouldn't consider my parents "friends"; they are parents. We work together, so I get to see them all the time, and they have helped me out a lot over the past year with stuff such as fixing my car. (I hate that car. I want it to die.)

So today I've started looking for a room to rent. I've actually been looking to stay in NE Portland or head slightly NW to the Alberta Arts District. Those who know Portland probably are aware that this isn't my scene. But for some reason I am wanting to be closer to the river as well as try out a new scene. This will be my first time moving in with strangers (unless you count my first year of college).

One issue I've been running across is that a lot of the houses require you to be vegetarian. Ugh. I love me my meat (in more ways than one! *rimshot!!!!!*) and so I need to find an open-minded house of liberals who allow a 23 year-old dude to do his dietary thing.

Also, I awoke today at 8:30 because of the sun blaring into my room. I cannot fall back asleep. I went to bed at 3:30 last night. Geeze. This means that later today I'm going to be tired. Oh well.