Welcome to Nathan Sheets' blog. Please scroll down for the most recent entries.

So today I've started looking for a room to rent. I've actually been looking to stay in NE Portland or head slightly NW to the Alberta Arts District. Those who know Portland probably are aware that this isn't my scene. But for some reason I am wanting to be closer to the river as well as try out a new scene. This will be my first time moving in with strangers (unless you count my first year of college).

One issue I've been running across is that a lot of the houses require you to be vegetarian. Ugh. I love me my meat (in more ways than one! *rimshot!!!!!*) and so I need to find an open-minded house of liberals who allow a 23 year-old dude to do his dietary thing.

Also, I awoke today at 8:30 because of the sun blaring into my room. I cannot fall back asleep. I went to bed at 3:30 last night. Geeze. This means that later today I'm going to be tired. Oh well.

So tonight Robert and I went out to the clubs together, and it was disastrous. Not because of him! Yes, I know. We actually had a lot of fun together.

Like I told you all, early today we hung out a bit and talked about stuff. During that conversatioin, he mentioned a guy whom I know of. They had hung at Robert's house, and the dude was telling him that he was interested in dating. I was stoked for Robert, and I told him that he should do it. The guy is really hot and plays sports, etc.

So anyway, tonight we go out to the bars, and we're with another friend of Robert's. Robert and I excuse ourselves really quick so we can walk over to another bar to see who's there. We're inside, and I say, "Hey isn't that Matt? [The guy in question.]" Robert didn't see whom I was talking about, presumably, but on the way out, I saw the guy again, and pulled Robert back to go say hi. We walk up, and Matt (aka asshole) was with some other dude, and totally pretended he didn't know Robert. He said, "Um, hey, didn't we meet at a softball game or something?" Um, you guys were cuddling on his couch yesterday and you were insinuating that you wanted to monogamously date him. Robert was aghast. The dude went on to promote his shitty sports blog that he writes for. "Yeah, we met at a softball game because I write for ID magazine" blah blah blah. Dude, you're not Ann Coulter being introduced before giving a speech, why are you promoting yourself?

At that point I said, "Hey Robert, I think they're waiting for us back at the bar." And we left. Robert was, of course, taken aback and emotional, and I was fucking pissed. That is a totally disrespectful thing to do to someone---total douche bag move. If I were hanging with Dalton, and the queeniest queen, dressed in drag walks up to me and knows me, I would never pretend to not know them. I would rather take the shit from whomever I was with. Though it should be said that Robert is not a queen and is very attractive, so this guy is a douche bag.

To top it all off, I accidentally see a text from the guy that Robert and I were at the bar with saying that he doesn't like me. See, this is why I hate gay people--I don't get a long with them. The mildest Oscar Wildesque humor (who was a fag himself), and it puts their panties in a bunch. Damn. Apparently with the gays one must be sunshine and primroses all the damn time.

It's been a while, so I'll try to keep you all filled in on the very little that has progressed.

I'm trying to keep in the mindframe of "Nate is cool enough to not need a companion at the moment. He can have friends," but that's a really hard thing to do. Why is it that I feel like I need another person rather than people? It's pathetic. I don't need to be with someone. I don't need to be looking at guys wondering if they're compatable with me.

Tonight I hung out with Dalton and Josh. We went to Mt. Tabor about an hour after it closed and shone Dalton's very powerful laser around. It was fun. This lazer is one where you can actually see the beam. It shines thirty miles. Yeah, it's badass.

On the way down the hill, security was driving up, so we dove into the bushes. Good fucking times. I felt like a rebel.

Aaaaand that's about it. Bye.

Me (facebook status): Considering we forgave Bill Clinton, I shouldn't be surprised that we've forgiven Michael Jackson.

Dude on Facebook: THAT'S your paragon for forgiveness? Blowjob guy?

Me: If by "Blowjob Guy" you mean "Blowjob, Unfaithful While in Office, Seeker of White House Interns, Illegal Use of IRS to Audit, Rapist, Sexual Harasser and Perjurer" then yes, he's pretty comparable to Mr. Touch-teh-Kidz ;)

Dude on Facebook: Creepy morality is creepy.

Me:I know, right? I'm trying to work on being more open-minded toward heinous human beings. It must be a by-product of my Christian indoctrination.






OK, maybe I'm being an asshole. But this guy is one of those, "OMG I CANT EVEN TALK TO CONSErVATIVZS" asshole liberals who freak out whenever anyone has an opinion that's different than them. Annoying to the extreme. Perhaps I should just remove him, lol.



EDIT!!!!! We have Facebook flounce! The second I saw that I had mail, I knew whom it would be from:

"You're a total freak. I'm just gonna delete you. I can't handle the bizarre naivete anymore. Good luck out there."

LOL. Perhaps my blatant hostility toward that guy surfaced when we first met and he read my journal (this journal fucks me over so much, guys, you don't even know!). He read all of the Net Gathering posts and then lectured me on, how, if we were going to be friends, I wouldn't be able to talk about any of my political beliefs. He's an atheist, and I told him that I was interested in the belief, and he said he can't discuss is with, to paraphrase, n00bs, because their thoughts are just "too incoherent". I was like, "Yeah, OK dude." but for whatever reason didn't de-friend him. And we never hung out. So I guess there's really no loss, except when I see him in public things may be awkward. :)

Hmmm, I can't believe it's already Monday. I totally wasted my day yesterday, so I guess it serves me right and I should feel as if I've been robbed of a weekend. Yesterday I slept most of the day and watched Southpark for the other parts. I went on, like, a twenty minute walk, and that was the extent of my being out of the house.

Today I have to visit two clients, then book it back to work to order food for a meeting that can have anywhere between zero kids showing up and 40 kids showing up. Foster parents are known for their inability to RSVP. :) It also makes staffing an issue, so I just told everyone to be there and then we can send people home as needed.

The good thing about this weekend is that I didn't have any calls on the emergency phone, so I don't have to spend the first part of my day writing incident reports. Yay!

I signed up for a kickball league today. We'll see if I end up actually doing it. I thought something like that would be a cool way for me to meet people, and hey, I like kickball. It's really laid back and people do it for the social and beer-drinking aspects.

HOLY SHIT! I totally text The Worst Person in the World on occasion! *star struck*

Hai guise. Nothing new to report tonight. I moved in with Barbara for two months, so we'll see how that goes. Work is going well. I'm still gay.

I have been drinking one or two small pots of Jasmine tea every night, in my attempt to stop drinking soda once and for all. As most of you know, I'm addicted to the stuff, which is unhealthy for both my body and my teeth. Thus, I'm trying to replace it with something else. Tea, while it can stain teeth if you don't brush often, seems to be a healthy alternative. Plus, it's very relaxing to have some tea at night (caffeine free, of course).

Mike and I also hung out tonight. We had an interesting time. I note that since we've both have, by and large, moved beyond The Net Gathering, we don't see each other enough to have too much extra to say. This can be considered a good thing in that we're getting over our experiences in a cult and thus our conversations contain a lot less "OMGHEYREMEBERTHIS?!?", but also a sad thing in that we are both moving on in our lives. I don't mean this to say that we'll stop being friends--hopefully we'll get to hang out more often once Mike finishes the time-sucker known as college for the term.

It's funny. I've known Mike for so long. When I was in high school, I became obsessed with making him be my friend, because I felt so alone in the world. Because of severe emotional issues, I clung to his friendship a bit too firmly, but somehow he go beyond that creepiness and we ended up being friends, joining the same cult, leaving the same cult and a lot in between. It's nice to know that I have someone close who can relate to my emotional issues.

Perhaps I'm not so alone after all.

After having read that Nate Phelps article that I posted previously here (and other places), it got me to do a little bit of reflection.

I think I'm at the entrance of a new place in my life. For one year I've been out of religion, out of a cult, out of resisting homosexuality. And yet I still feel the same feelings that I felt a month out of it. These are, apparently, quite formal for people who leave religion. We all go through a time where we fear hell (despite the reasons we left Christianity) and where we are kind of paranoid that something is going to happen to us.

I don't think, really, that these feelings are going to go away soon. I do think, however, that I am in a new place with meeting people, being real with people, and making myself into the person who I want to be. For the past year, I've been sitting at home or working. Those are really the only two places I frequent. I've gained weight and look like shit. I want to change that, now. I want my hard work at my job to stand out. I want to go the extra mile. I want to be comfortable with who I am and my personality in social settings.

I just feel like something is going to change. I feel like I can be the person who I want to be, and I don't need a god to do it. If I get "convicted" for being an asshole to someone, I can change that--I don't need god to do that. If I'm lazy, I can change that. If I'm depressed, I can change that. If I've gained some weight, I can change that.

A part of me really wishes Christianity is true, but I'm just not seeing it. I will continue to be open--perhaps out of a desire to have god "show Himself" to me someday and make everything better--but I still have to be honest with myself and start looking at the evidence.

Nate Phelps--son of Fred Phelps from the Westboro Baptist Church (godhatesfags.com) speaks out at the American Atheist Convention--a riveting read into the church and the man who leads it all.

The Uncomfortable Grayness of Life

Zack Efron looks like a lesbian--there is no denying this. And he needs to go away.

I'm sure that, compared to most people, I am horribly out of touch with American pop culture. Being involved in cults tends to do that to you. But even now I get most of my pop-culture news from Chelsea Lately and E! mobile news updates.

That being said...OK, I don't remember the point I was going to make. So I'll just let that go.

While I'm still not watching American Idol, I still plan on watching, like, the last three. I guess I'll root for Allison at this point, because she humble and a really good singer.

Holy shit! I just looked at my clock and it's 10:30! Damn. I feel like it's 7 at night. Robert went out to buy himself some pain relievers and me some generic Safeway Dr. Pepper. No calls on the after-hours phone today! Yay! That means, of course, tomorrow some kid will be hospitalized and we'll have about 6 runaways and returns.

We have runaways quite frequently, which is not surprising considering we specialize in kids with behavioral issues. The annoying thing is that I have to write an incident report for every runaway and every return. That can get annoying. Furthermore, I have to do it pretty much instantly, which makes no sense.

I'm actually enjoying my job right now, though. Busy=money=days go by quickly. Generally speaking. Unless I have to drive a kid out to Eagle Creek. Ugh.

Tonight I am going to try to get Robert to come to this gay and lesbian meetup thing, though he may not want to go because he will have spent the entire day at a Native American pow-wow for school. He really wanted my to come, but I really had to reject his invitation, due to the fact that I would literally be killed if I went to a pow-wow. Whenever I hear them sing, I start laughing, and I cannot stop. I know that this makes me look like a racist douche, but I seriously cannot stop laughing. Needless to say, had I attended, I would have died from lack of oxygen.



The most amusing thing about the above video is that they are holding their ears to hear what they're singing. So I know that they aren't just singing randomly and badly--there is actually an art to it. But I do not have the maturity to not laugh my ass off.

Speaking of Indians, I watched Slumdog Millionaire last night with the Ro to the Bert. It was pretty good, I guess, though I was expecting something more. I'm not really convinced why his brother changed his heart or why he died in a bathtub full of money. That just seemed random given the other acts he had no problems with.

It probably did do a good job at gaining American sympathy for the poor in India for a while, though, honestly, it didn't show the poverty on a real level. Meaning: it was pretty tame. It didn't show the starvation or the filth to the degree that it's actually there, and I think that was a missed opportunity.

I am feeling slightly more optimistic about life, but only slightly. But it's better than feeling how I've been feeling for the past month.

1) Work. Work has been very busy this week, but I liked it for a few reasons. One: several times I had to put my comfort aside and go the extra mile, even though I maybe didn't have to. I say this because I really haven't had a selfless mindset for about a year, having left a religion which tells you that you come last. Now I am trying to find a happy medium.

2) Friends. No new friends. No old friend either, honestly. But a realization. This is probably a realization that I've had several times in my life. You have to work for friends--but that I mean you have to be someone that people want to hang around. I can only assume that the reason no one ever calls is either 1) they feel too awkward due to the fact that I'm gay or 2) they're too busy or 3) my personality isn't as dazzling as apparently it once was. Regardless of the reason, I feel as if I should be making more of a shift toward new friends. I am a terribly sentimental person, but I have to face the facts: people move on, and I am not in the same environment that I have been in most of my life.

3) Robert. I feel more confident in our relationship, even though I was having some doubts. Parts of me long for something more, but I suppose that I will always feel that way. That being said, I have to learn to be content with my smoking-hot boyfriend who loves me a shitload more than I love him. I would like to make the scale more even on that.